The .plan started out as, well, my unix .plan file on my undergrad institution's server, and has been added to periodically since 1996. What was the .plan? What is the .plan? A collection of quotes I think, or once thought, are/were funny. A weapon to be used against other users logged into the unix system, where you could stream an endlessly long .plan file them at will without their being able to stop it or continue their work. A way of remembering events, and people, and what's been gained and lost. A boring self-involved pale ancestor (among the bajillion other ancestors) of things like "overheard in New York." An attempt at being random, and an attempt to make you laugh. A collection of quotes.
Note: Because of the length of the .plan, I've had to divide it into sections. You can access the first and second sections by clicking on the links below.
First part of the .plan: 1996 - 2000
Second part of the .plan: 2000 - 2002
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"Cibo Matto can clog dance??"
--Willow, /Buffy/
"Silence, naughty lady of the night!"
--Col. Biggles (Graham Chapman), annoyed with his
secretary-prostitute, /Monty Python/
"You would so be naked within the first ten minutes. Cuz you're French and you like to be naked.
[..] Well, that's why you're friends with me. Cuz you could be naked and I'd just be like, "Oh
yeah, Sophie's naked"."
--Nicole during long (drunken) riff (on the phone, from
a bar) about how if she and Timanna were over here and
we were all very drunk, I'd be made to strip
"Well, there's nothing that exciting here in Washington, let me /assure/ you."
--DC-based BBC anchor after a report on the NYC
museum of sex
"I was hoping for a pickle, and here it is!"
--Timanna, very excited, while at Mel's
"Attempted rape scene... naked lesbians... it sounds like every single movie I've ever seen."
--Ann, trying to guess (over the phone) what I was watching
"What are you doing in this class, anyway?"
--Prof. J. Clegg to me, referring to Ethics
Clegg : [talking about me] "She's a creature of the dark. Light hurts her."
Me : "Yeah, I'm a vampire."
Clegg : "Do you react to garlic, then?"
Me : "Actually, i like the garlic, so..."
Kasey : "You're one of those new age vampires."
--Exchange occuring in Nietzsche class
"I do my best thinkin' when I'm talkin' out my ass!"
--Nicole
"Why has someone glued fluff to this rubber glove? Has the world come to an end?"
--Rolf the clueless foreigner, /Ed, Edd, and Eddy/
"Oh my god, you're going to get carpal tunnel from looking at Nicole's rack!"
--Danica, to me
Anna : "Cuz five year-olds like to hook up. We all know that."
Me : "That's what /I/ was doing when I was five."
Dr Scheinberg: "Don't make me nervous."
-exchange occuring in Victorian Lit
"All midgets have big asses."
--Tanzi
"There's something about you that says Velma to me. [..] Very shagadelic."
--Random male admirer to Nicole,
at the Denny's in Emeryville
"Dude! God and Jesus are like good cop bad cop!"
--Nicole
[Andra and I diss California]
Nicole: "You know, you guys have come to /my/ state."
Andra : "You've come to this state too."
Nicole: [pause] "Through my mom's vaginal canal, yes."
--Exchange occuring at the Denny's
mentioned above
"/I/ feel like I was mauled by Jesus."
--Fry to Leela after Leela complains of aching,
/Futurama/
Fry: "I'm having one of those things.. you know.. a headache with pictures!"
Leela: "An idea?"
Fry: "That's it!"
--Same episode as above
"I miss dating when I don't have anything else to do."
--Nicole
"If she loosened up any further, she could drive a bulldozer up her ass."
--Tanzi
"Stop bragging! My boyfriend's alive too!"
--Crotchety old lady to Leela, /Futurama/
"And those co-workers! Always looking down on us Zoidbergs! What are they, from Nob Hill?"
--Dr. Zoiberg speaking to his alternate-
universe double, /Futurama/
"I - like - my - butt - being - in - the - rear ... cuz - on - the - front - it's - unappealing..."
--Kirsten ad-libbing a song
"You like skinny bitches, so shut up! You like -- [Lara Flynn Boyle]"--
--Nicole, after I mocked her for liking Bobby Briggs
Note: I most certainly do /not/ like Lara Flynn Boyle.
"They had a lot of time. It was snowing out."
--Nicole on why the Russians started using two
first names
"I /have/ been known to eat pop rocks in a theatre with my mouth open. [pause] It was a
second-run theatre though."
--Timanna on annoying things to do in theatres
"That's what you do when you're lonely."
--Tracy on writing disturbing and confusing erotica
"I don't burn. It's a side effect of being a spic."
--Stefanie
"The brain spawn hate all consciousness. The thoughts of others screech at them like the
forced laughs of a billion art-house movie patrons."
--Nibbler, /Futurama/
"And so life returned to normal, or as normal as it gets on this primitive dirtball
inhabited by psychotic apes."
--Nibbler talking about Earth, /Futurama/
"In the English countryside, many prostitutes decorate their rooms with rustic gourds."
--Martha Stewart's Head commenting on someone
being called a slut, /Futurama/
Q: What do you get when you stab a baby?
A: A hard-on.
--The only dead baby joke Nicole knows
[T wonders why you'd want motion-sensored paper towel dispensers]
"Because you need to dry off your stumps."
--Nicole. She and T forced me to add this.
"If you're going to blow out a tire, you need a spare."
--Nicole on why folk sometimes keep two lovers around
"And for your information, Donna, kahlua is barely a drink. It's like root beer."
--Kitty Foreman, /That 70s Show/
"Vagina you have!"
--Tracy to Mielle, informatively
"If you marry your sister, I'll have to draw the line. If you don't let me fuck her first--"
--Mielle to Tracy while eating Thai food
"I don't smoke pot."
--A fellow student, while stoned at a grad party
"I love Thomas Hardy. One of his characters dies at Stonehenge. It's so sexy. I mean British."
--Tracy, rather out of it
"She doesn't do drugs. She only does pot, right?"
--Anonymous, talking about a friend of mine
"You're from North Carolina. There's nothing else to do there but get repressed."
--Tracy, to me. It's not actually true...
(12:51:55) Sasha: the french ain't so great. their idea of tasty treates don't even cause cancer.
--Nicole commenting on how the French don't make snacks
with a half-life
Me: "[Life is weird.] And then you die a long horrible death."
T: "Not if you kill yourself swiftly."
--It's so true...
"'Baloon Fiesta' for some reason reminds me of mules with condoms stuffed up their asses."
--Timanna
"I hadn't cleaned it in several eighths."
--A friend, abruptly coming up with a new measure of time
"That's always been my experience with cocaine and guys: can't stand penis without a little blow."
--Nicole
"She's an ass-hat. She's a ten-gallon ass-hat."
--Nicole on someone she doesn't like
"Don't show your love through pain!"
--Nicole, to me
"Oh yeah, I guess vacationing isn't a job."
--Heng while suggesting things I could do after grad school
Kirsten: "She asked me if I liked thrusting."
Heng : "What did you tell her? Did you tell her you like it but Heng doesn't cuz it hurts his ass?"
--Kirsten and Heng during an unfortunate conversation
"None of that honeymoon shit! Immediate affairs!"
--Nicole brainstorming possible rules of our marriage
[Innocence] Dennis: Dogfish Head makes really good beers, including the 120 minute
IPA, which is 21.5% alcohol.
[Innocence] Pamela: Good freaking lord.
[Innocence] Jeff: Death by Beer!
[Innocence] Pamela: That's called an alcoholic bitchslap.
--Heh. Alcoholic bitchslap.
"God, friendship is so gay!"
--Nicole on Legolas and Gimli
Me: "Are you saying that my poor peasant ancestry--"
Cola: "Were sluts? [Yes.]"
--Nicole hypothesizing on my genetic line
"Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to
this country from france."
--Peter Griffin, /Family Guy/
April 29, 2004 | SOMERVILLE, N.J. (AP) -- Former nurse Charles Cullen pleaded guilty Thursday
to murdering 13 patients and attempting to kill two others at hospitals in two states as part of a
deal with prosecutors to spare his own life.
--AP report. The AP provides me with similar amusement
more often than they should.
"As soon as I get my first grey hair, you're like, 'Get out of the house, bitch!'"
--Nicole predicting the end of our marriage
Tanzi: "They will fuck anything. Men-- goats-- "
Me: "Sheep--"
Tanzi: "Toasters--"
--Tanzi on straight people
"That's not what vaginas are for! They're not storage spaces! They're not garages! They're not
for putting things in-- like canned fruit!"
--Tanzi while studying for an Aesthetics final
Meghan: [looks at Tea Shop] "Do they have whipped cream in there?"
Tanzi: "In their vaginas?"
--Tanzi while studying, part 2
Me: "I bet all apes pick their noses."
Cola: "That's what makes them apes!"
--Nicole on primate biology
"It was absolutely the last thing left in the fridge? There wasn't any gravy?"
--Kirsten upon seeing Heng drinking water
"You better get dowried. She's not gonna marry you if you don't come
with forty sheep."
--Danica to Nicole, referring to me
"She's a dorky hipster and you're a hippish dork. It's a perfect marriage."
--Danica to me, about Nicole
"She deserves brie and liberals!"
--Danica about someone she doesn't like
"You're going to work like your - ass - hole. [uncertain pause.] [mumbles. speaks
up again.] You're going to work through your ass."
--My mother trying to say I was going to work my ass
off in grad school
Kirsten: "You could at least pretend you're not such a perv."
Heng : "Why? Both of you are pervs."
Kirsten: "Not in the morning."
--Exchange upon Heng hoping for better adult video games
"Well, when you were wearing a girl's shirt, they were just there! Hanging all over
the place! Being boobs!"
--Nicole, defensively, on the subject of my rack
"I'm glad you didn't get the fatal rash, cuz it'd be kind of weird hanging out with
you if you were dead."
--Nicole to Timanna, about a medication side effect
Nicole: "You want to be Papa Smurf?"
Celeste: "I want to be /Daddy/ Smurf." [turns red and giggles hysterically.]
--Disturbing exchange
"The only thing that's fucked up about her is her entire personality."
--Nicole on someone she doesn't like
"Are you suggesting I grope my fiancee?"
--Nicole, horrified, to Celeste, referring to me
"I mostly care about cooches."
--Celeste
"I would come [to see you] at least half the time [I do now] if you didn't have
any food."
--Kirsten attempting to comfort me
"I don't think anyone would talk to us after that."
--Kirsten, to Heng, re his idea that they have an erotically-
themed wedding cake
"I don't think I'm eating vagina cake."
--Myself on the same subject
"I think, with licking maple syrup off someone, it would be a little too much. Like I'd need some
milk with it, and the milk would just kill the mood. [...] You're all like, 'I need some milk'!"
--Timanna on food and sex
"Oh, back off, Blanche. Not all of us are classified by the navy as a friendly port."
--Dorothy to Blanche, The Golden Girls season 1, ep 3
"Sausage opens a floodgate for many of us, Rose."
-- Dorothy, season 1 ep 22
"I KNOW, you're a frog, you're not a limey, but for the moment you're an HONORARY limey."
--Danica to me via transatlantic telephoning
"It's because she's Scandinavian, don't you know. [pause] And they're just bred for porn."
--Nicky on Sara's "unsuccessful attempt not to have a love life"
"That's not garlic bread, that's continental drift!"
--Gaz, at Pablo's, awed (or perhaps frightened) by the food
"Herring is for pussies!"
--Sara
"Oh my god, if Gaz ever wore rocketship underwear, I wouldn't take them off him."
--Liz
"I'm gonna punch you good. And I'm a fucking woman! I'm your fucking wife! I don't care!"
--Woman overheard about 2:40 am on my last night at
King's Road, 9/3/05
"Because it's Babylon! It's like -- going to Tesco's and buying things!"
--Nicky explaining her fear of going to the States
"Aaah. Nothing like a warm fire and a super-soaker of fine cognac."
--Bender, /Futurama/, "A Christmas story"
"I think I have stripper residue on my lips."
--Timanna at the Candy Bar in London
"You're going to write about this to Livejournal, aren't you?"
--Timanna, very groggy, immediately after a very embarrassing
incident
"I'll be fine. I live on a hill."
--Graeme the Tory on global warming
"Christ didn't come to earth to give us the willies, he came to help us out!"
--Cardina Glick, /Dogma/
"It's an elephant! ...It's a bathrobe!"
--Celeste opening a gift
"Yeah, I want to go on a porn flight with no crying babies."
--Timanna (on Christmas day)
"Prince of night, I summon you! Come fill me with your black naughty evil!"
--Willow trying to shock her mother, /Buffy/
Willow: [Threatening to use magic on a mob about to burn her] "It's a really big power!"
Buffy: [also about to be burnt, to mob] "Yes! You will all be turned into vermin! And some of you
will be fish! Yeah, you in the back? Will be fish! "
--Same episode as above
"Aaaaah .... middle distance."
--Timanna, looking off into same during a pause in conversation
Me, hugging Ann: OMG. Could you stop fucking wearing heels?!?
Ann: I'm barefoot.
--Danica in an LJ entry
Nicole: "Are /you/ a comic [book]? You don't have the experience of being a comic!"
Sophie: "What?? Are /you/ a comic? How many identities can you claim?"
Nicole: "I'm at least /coloured/!"
--Conversation about studying comic books in academia
"Oooh, i'll do things to you that are beyond all known philosophies. Wait until i get my devices!"
--Duran Duran to Barbarella, /Barbarella/
"Karen! You can't type with your boobs! It's unprofessional!"
--Jack, /Will & Grace/, season 7 epi 7
"Thanksgiving celebrates the day the girl Indians first introduced the girl pilgrims to sex. Yeah.
They called it "maize" because lesbian sex is very confusing and if you're not careful one can lose their way."
--Jack, /Will & Grace/, season 7 epi 10
"Try to be more 18th century and less 19th century."
--Graeme counseling me on how to stop being so anxious
"Oprah can be a lot of fun. And there's no one I'd rather have watching my back in a bar fight."
--Karen, /Will & Grace/, season 5 epi 8
"You have not heard the last! No more mister nice Gaius!"
--Baltar, /Battlestar Galactica/, season 1 epi 7
"Yeah! You're the kind of guy who wants to go to Jerusalem and not visit the sex-a-teria!"
--Bender reproaching Fry for wanting to visit the moon rather than a
theme park, /Futurama/
"Bud doesn't make you wiser, Jesus does!"
--Sign outside a church in North Carolina
"Wow. That's hotter than Hannah Arendt and Heidegger."
--Jenny commenting on an intellectual couple
"It's kind of hard to go on a panty raid when it's just you."
--Helen on the sex life of the (literal) last of the Mohicans
"But C, if we have ten minutes, what am I going to have you do, nibble my elbow or munch my junk?"
--Katie W. to Prof. C after being accused of being "genitally organized"
during a queer theory seminar
"Let me take a machete to the thicket of your intellect..."
--Jack Sparrow, /Pirates/ 3
"Well, 'German' means 'I'm gonna make a lampshade out of your baby'."
--Helen on the meanings of tribe/nation names
"Ooh, my ass is juicy!"
--Helen, under her breath, immediately after wrestling in jello
"My morals are flexible, but my ethics are pretty decent!"
--Helen, defensively
"No, I'm not pregnant. [Long pause.] [Very fast] And even if I was, I'd just ship it off to Angola
and everything would be fine."
--Helen, at the hospital for an eye problem
"He can totally deal with those kinds of complications. He's got four sisters."
--Gaz, telling a story about sleeping with his boss' ex on the roof
[Sees commercial sign that horrifies him]
[Pauses for a moment]
"At least it's sans-serif."
--Gaz
"Considering what you specialize in -- what you teach -- [pause] -- You gotta start practicing what
you preach."
--Liz composing impromptu poetry during a lecture on how I should
get laid.
"You /are/ more gay than me. I've tried, but I'm just not very good at it. I'm a rubbish lesbian."
--Nicky
"You haven't actually had a life. You've had a long series of case studies."
--Nicky. This is quite possibly my favourite quote ever.
Graeme: "You know, I was thinking, and there are far too many people in the world. Especially, you know,
those -- [I look at him blankly] -- the short ones, deformed -- you know, they look kind of
weird--"
Me : "Children?"
Graeme: "That's it!"
--Conversation occurring at Borders
Georgia: "Stop attacking me!"
Me : "But when I don't attack you, you attack me for not attacking you!"
Georgia: "But that's what friendship is all about. Reciprocity!"
--Conversation occurring over alcohol
"I can put my leg up high. I'm wearing underwear today."
--Helen
"Born doesn't make a difference, as we know from Jesus--"
--Prema discussing /Stardust/
"I discovered, to my sorrow, that no amount of porn compensates for lack of air-conditioning."
--Helen concluding a story
"Well, she wants to be materialistic, but she's just too damn cheap."
--Heng on his lovely wife's ambivalence towards Christmas presents
"There're fireplace pokers everywhere."
--Helen refuting critics' arguments that Victorian lady friends didn't have
sex with each other because they wouldn't have been able to figure out how
"I'm not going to the disco with an oxygen tank. That's not in my future. ... That's just not cool."
--Carla explaining her decision to quit smoking
"You can't afford glitter at that point -- if you're on Mission Street, there's no budget for glitter."
--Timanna in a conversation about how best to sell one's body for drugs
"I am heartened by the availability of pulled pork in this town."
--Timanna on Chicago
"You've got m@il. On ze livre de la visage."
--Sara texting me that she had sent me a message
"Life's too short to keep your clothes on."
--Sara
"No, ska is terrible. It's one step up from mime, in my opinion."
--Graeme on music
[I opine that our group of lit crit friends should start a school of thought]
Liz: "But we are! There's gonna be a conference! There's gonna - we're gonna have pens!"
--Conversation on the train
"Ha ha. You landed on sweet corn."
--Gaz, flatly and snidely, to a wasp hovering about his salad
Darren: [having gone off by himself in the grocery store, and then come back] "I was looking for a
rasher..."
[long pause]
Georgia: "Well, go find one, then! Otherwise you won't have anything to play with tonight."
--Conversation in a Greek Carrefour
"I heard Iceland is for sale on eBay."
--Sara after everybody's economy started crashing and burning
"It's kind of charming. They say "fuck" a lot."
--Sara recommending /The Wire/
[Holding up a tin of fancy cake mix in each hand while Xmas shopping]
"Cuz this [indicating one] is like your grandma's house, and this [the other one] is like your hot
stepmom's house."
--Timanna trying to help me choose cake mixes (and pushing me towards
the second)
"It's like having a butt plug up your ass that you never take out."
--Molly on constant sobriety
"Sophie, I kind of feel like your pregnant teenage bride."
--Molly after a thoughtful pause, at Walnut Cafe
"The penis is a one-trick pony."
--Myself, as reported by Molly
"I kind of just want to be his boyfriend."
--Molly on some guy
"Ah, mes cheres amis, nous vivons dans un hopital."
--Victor Brombert (famous Flaubert critic and prof) to my own Prof. D.,
after being asked to clean up the Yale French department.
"You be Scotty, and I'll be the warp core."
--Nicole
Doug: [to Dave] "You moving up in the world? You drinking your Budweiser out of a glass now?"
Dave: "For expediency."
--Conversation during all-housemate Rock Band
"You know how some cows have four stomachs? I think Dave has like four lungs."
--Doug on Dave's smoking
"Lesbians just don't pretend there isn't drama. Unlike straight people."
--Nicole on dyke drama
"That's like sending your child off to school."
--A fellow grad on another grad's providing cannabis and paraphernalia to a newbie
"I think things would have been easier for Jesus if his cross were chocolate."
--Aliyah
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Timanna, oft-quoted in the .plan and one of my two best friends of twelve years as well as one of the
truly best people I have ever met, died shortly after these last couple of quotes, on Feb 9, 2009.
There was no update in the .plan for over 2 years after her death, because long ago she had been one
of its very first fans, pushing me to collect everything I could. Bothering to continue seemed empty
and pointless without her. But life goes on, I guess, and .plan files can too, it turns out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At Heathrow Airport security, flying back to California for the memorial and so on]
Me [to Les]: "So what set the [metal detecting] machine off?"
Les: "Um, my magnetic personality."
"I haven't gotten that much action [in ages]."
--Les after making it through the metal detectors and pat-down
Me [some comment about how we must be hallucinating Timanna's death because it can't be true]
Nicole: [both jokingly and quite firmly] "No, she's on an island with Tupac, and they're gonna record an album."
-- 3 days after Timanna's death
"I'm engaging with ideas instead of engaging with semi-colons!"
-- Prof. G, very excited about my work copy-editing a book she had to read
Me: "It's all one. It's three in one."
Nicole: "Right. It's like a Swiss army knife."
--conversation on the christian holy trinity
"She wants to know that everyone knows she looks good all the time! Poor photos would delute her brand."
--Nicole on someone very concerned with her appearance deleting unflattering/funny
photos of herself off other people's cameras
"I remember a Star Trek episode that I'd like to bring up anecdotally at this point."
--Lisa, mostly seriously, during a serious conversion in a London restaurant
"This hyena turned on this other lone hyena, the one that only had one leg, and tried to eat it!"
--Aliyah to a friend after witnessing a group of very close friends turn on and
cast out a previously-wounded member
"I was really disappointed. It just looked like that shit in the freezer."
--Aliyah on seeing snow for the first time
"You sound like that French hooker on television!"
-- Aliyah, quite randomly, while I was discussing the French community in my hometown
"It's your fault for not colonizing enough."
-- Aliyah on the relative lack of jobs for bilangual English/French people
"To not have a lady on the side is to say, "I'm not good at multitasking"."
-- Bill Maher on the French
dude, we've been friends for how long? if i can't bring ice cream to your pity party, i'm a shitty friend.
-- Nicole after i apologized for whining at her on a very bad day
because, you know, i'm still american. we're all jesus freaks even when we're not.
-- Nicole on expecting a conversion experience after Timanna's death
"It's odd, but French people often /do/ talk with a French accent."
-- Leslie Scarron's French char in /The L-Shaped Room/
"It was like fairy diarrhea."
-- Helen describing frost in London, Feb. 2010
"Poop is important! [....] well, just wait til you don't poop, and then you'll see how important it is."
-- Kirsten
"Wow. [Professor X] is the founder of crazy town! Before I thought s/he was just the mayor, but no, s/he built
crazy town! ... s/he laid out the plans for crazy town, s/he built all the streets and the houses..."
-- Nicole
"White people are trouble."
-- Brian during a UAW meeting
"Well, I think you like interesting people, people who are of interest to you, and then they act -- interesting."
-- Kirsten explaining my personal life
[29/05/2010 14:55:23] Nicole Wilkins: i bought pink wine today in honor of the fact taht it is sunny.
-- Well, it was.
"You're like a stoned Martha Stewart!"
-- Friend X to Friend Y, because Y was talking about how the grinder was
a very good thing
"Brian, your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus."
-- Michael after playing Rock Band
"I did make a wish. Now I have to go check the news to see if Mark Yudof is still alive."
-- A friend after blowing out his/her birthday candles
[20/06/2010 12:51:29] Nicole: i bought 2 silk ties at good will this weekend. so clearly, i am my own father!
[20/06/2010 12:51:36] Me: HA
[20/06/2010 12:52:01] Nicole: also, a black velvet blazer
[20/06/2010 12:52:08] Nicole: i am my gay father.
"Sophie, when you wake up in the morning, do you just start hitting yourself in the head with a hammer?"
-- Nicole on my masochistic decisions
[18/08/2010 20:08:07] Nicole: i was feeling annoyed that they were dragging out the "what kind of supe is sookie"
thing but then there was the spine. it was like true blood was all "sorry about the annoying, here, i brought you flowers"
-- After the penultimate episode of /True Blood/ season 3, in which a spine is
ripped out of a tv news anchor.
"Yeah, I get 'moist' a lot."
--Me, unthinkingly, to my entire section, after a student answered an icebreaker
question about his/her least favorite word with "moist" (which is a word I get
quarter after quarter for that question).